I wish I could tell you everything that has been going on. Jesus has been here daily with me being very supportive during a relapse back into illness. I was 90% better and then, BOOM, symptoms came in and hit me hard. This has happened before.
Jesus is healing me, but then I guess I sabotage my healing by eating foods I shouldn’t eat, drinking too much coffee etc. There has also been tremendous stress in my family with my son.
So, a few weeks ago, He led me to an amazing psychologist who is helping me with problems with my son.
My childhood was rocky with parents who were very young and unexperienced. I was the oldest child so they were in better shape (and age) when they had my brother. My father was an angry man in his 20’s and 30’s. I generally absorbed all of it and it deeply affected my self-esteem, self-worth etc. etc. All of this has been forgiven and worked through but when it came time for me to be a mother, I lacked a good role model for parenting. My son, therefore is bright, smart and lovely and also, for lack of a better word, spoiled. He also has had a good amount of trauma in his young life. I got sick for the first time when he was just 9 years old. It was rough on him. I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be. I was absent for him emotionally because I was so wrapped up in physical torture. Then 2 years later due to a mistake and complication in a surgery I had, I was sick again. This is what I am still recovering from. He has had five years of me being ill in some capacity and I think in many ways, he raised himself during this time. I simply was not able to do or be what I needed to do or be for him. So we are having problems in his teens years and it is stressful and very upsetting. I have been working through some of the issues with the psychologist and believe me, there is a good amount of guilt that I feel, even if I know I have done the best job I could under the circumstances. But it is always sad to feel defeated about your past when there is nothing you can do about it. I think this is part of the healing that Jesus is offering me now and I am SO grateful.
I hit rock bottom this weekend though, overcome with pain and sadness which of course made all the physical sickness worse. Do you know that many people will choose physical pain over emotional pain? Physical pain is actually a distraction from emotional pain and in many cases easier to deal with. I think that’s what happened in my case with this relapse.
Jesus has been here daily, supporting me and encouraging me. He is SO loving and gentle and kind. He smiles at me with the most loving eyes and tells me that I am going to make a full recovery and that everything is going to be okay. I can’t count how many times He has told me that. I do believe Him but I have to tell you, it is a long battle. Today He said this to me,
“If you could see how wonderful I think you are, it would change your thoughts on everything. I love you so much, so dearly. You are everything good to me. Cast out your doubts and self hatred. You have done nothing wrong in the eyes of God and you are forgiven. Forgiveness is key to your healing. Accept and receive it now.”
Today I pray for strength and confidence and I thank God for the continued blessings and favor on my life.
Dear God, I thank You for continuing to heal my life in every way. I thank You for giving me the strength and courage to carry on. I thank You for Your continued love and support and blessings. In Jesus’ name. Amen.